> be 24-year-old intern at “most innovative company in America” > job is literally copy-pasting debt into Excel named “TotallyNotDebt.xls” > ask why we’re dumping debt in a literal cardboard box labeled “SPV_69” > get told “it’s financial parkour” > Wall Street claps like seals getting free fish > also enrolled in 401k called “Enron Employee LifeFuel Fund” > 50% match, 100% Enron stock, 0% chance > HR lady says diversify is for cowards and poor people > 2001, CEO Skilling rage quits mid earnings call > literally says “later idiots” and vanishes into mist > stock drops faster than my will to live > accounting printer starts smoking, spits out shredded confetti > Arthur Andersen guys in hallway with 40 pound shredder bags > “nothing suspicious, just spring cleaning in October” > Sherron Watkins slides into Ken Lay’s DMs > “we bout to implode, lol” > Lay replies: “thoughts and prayers” > rating agencies finally open Excel, see #REF! in every cell > stock hits $0.12, delisted, renamed “ENRONQ” like a rare Pokémon > my life savings now worth a Taco Bell party pack > company email: “remember to smile while clearing your desk” > Congress passes SOX, makes CEOs sign financials in blood > every CFO now required to wear ankle monitor with GAAP firmware > Arthur Andersen deleted from the Big 5 speedrun world record ...